Interview with Jerri Lyons of Final Passages

ChrisTina Leimer: Because of my research on how American funeral and memorial practices are changing, I’ve known about your work for a few years. I’d like to talk a little about what a home funeral is and why people do it so readers can consider whether this would be a good option for them.

Jerri Lyons: When you start talking to people about home funerals, they don’t understand what it is. You need photos. (Final Passages website is http://www.finalpassages.org)

A home funeral is uniquely designed for each individual and can be held in a gentle, intimate home environment. Following the death, a family member, an agent holding a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care (DPAHC), or a designated agent can act in lieu of a funeral director. That person carries out all the arrangements and makes all the decisions. In a home funeral, family and friends may wash the body and dress the person in clothing that matches their personality. Ice or dry-ice can be placed beneath them, out of view, while they lie in honor on their bed or in a casket. The family can purchase or construct a casket, urn, or plaque, decorate the casket, and have whatever kind of ceremony they choose. The family may then transport their loved one to a crematory or cemetery in any vehicle large enough to hold a casket.

CL: When people understand what a home funeral is, what are their concerns about it?

JL: Fear of having the body nearby is the hard issue. They’re concerned about odor and seeing the body deteriorate. They’re afraid it will melt right in front of their eyes. Over a couple of days the body does change, usually in subtle ways. It starts to look more like a shell. But having a wake and caring for the body in the home is the way we used to do it. Another fear is looking at our own mortality. People don’t want to do that. But bathing the body of a family member or friend following death, sitting beside their body, talking to them, maybe crying beside them, all helps us come to terms with their passage. We begin to receive the information with many of our senses, helping to bring some closure to the initial shock that death can bring.

People start out feeling anxious. They don’t know how they’ll react, what the body will look like, or how they’ll feel. There’s a great deal of fear. They think that the grief from a loved one’s death will be too much to handle emotionally. That they will be incapable of any planning, creating, or holding ceremony not to mention seeing the lifeless body of this person they love so much.

CL: So do their fears come true when they participate in a home funeral? Do they fall apart?

JL: People experience such a release, and are so relieved when they walk into a room filled with love that their fears dissolve. There’s amazing energy from spirit, God, or a higher source, whatever you want to call it. It’s bigger than everybody there. I think the presence is lots of angels, lots and lots of angels. Whatever it is, there’s just something euphoric about that time. It’s beautiful. People are suddenly able to joke and talk about the person among themselves. It all feels so natural and normal that they relax.

The amazing thing that happens during a home funeral is that people discover an inner strength that perhaps they didn’t know existed within themselves. Like so many fears, when we are willing to meet the challenge, those fears begin to dissolve quickly. Active participation is a huge help with grieving. Being involved in something so important and authentic allows a natural opening and flow of our inner life. That can greatly assist the healing process. People who engage in home funerals feel like they’ve done something to help, instead of feeling helpless. It leaves them feeling empowered instead of walking around in the deep grief that so many people do when they’ve been passive onlookers when someone they love dies.

CL: What type of person chooses a home funeral?

JL: The people who choose a home funeral are often people who’ve been involved in the home birth movement. They’re people who want to take charge of their own life and get back to our roots, to what’s natural. They’re people who are looking for alternatives, who want to be part of the process and don’t want to let go of the body until they’re ready.

CL: How long does a home funeral last?

JL: Anywhere from one to three days, depending on how people want to do it. Home funerals lend themselves to so much flexibility. People can do an intimate home service and then have a big elaborate service of some sort afterward if they choose. There are so many possibilities.

CL: When do people contact you to do a funeral? Do you work with the person while they’re alive or do you get called in after they’ve died?

JL: Most people put off deciding what to do about the funeral until the very last minute. Sometimes they’re so caught up in all the medical decisions of someone dying, that they don’t want to take on more by making arrangements. Sometimes people are afraid that if they talk about making arrangements, it shows they’re giving up on the person and they don’t want to do that. They usually don’t want to deal with it until they have to, so most frequently I’m called right before or right after the death.

CL: Obviously, this wouldn’t be an option if someone died in a car accident or in some way that the body could be better handled by a mortician, but other than that is there anyone for whom a home funeral wouldn’t be a good thing to do?

JL: No, anyone would benefit. Of course, no one should be forced to do it though. There’s a lot of cultural conditioning, so if people can’t get beyond that then this isn’t for them. Some people have heard the old stories about someone being forced to kiss a dead grandparent. Some people equate the amount of money they spend with the amount of love and respect they have for the person, so a home funeral might not be for these people. A family should have adequate support to be able to handle paperwork, lifting the body of the deceased as well as some way to transport the body.

CL: Is a home funeral less expensive than having a service in a funeral home?

JL: If a family does their own home funeral they can save hundreds if not thousands of dollars. A cremation can be done for $300-400 dollars. Even with my guidance added this is still true unless I have to travel long distances. (Note: Lyons lives in Sebastopol, California). When I first started doing home funerals, a lot of people came to me only because they wanted to save money. Now there’s a funeral home not far from me that charges about the same amount, so I tell these people to use their services if they want someone to do everything for them. If someone’s only concern is saving money, then they’re not understanding the value of a home funeral.

CL: Are there any other benefits to having a home funeral?

JL: What I hear most from people who didn’t know about home funerals is that they wish they had known. Mostly they say they didn’t have enough time with the person after they died. Particularly if someone dies in a hospital or nursing home, the facility wants to have the body removed quickly. People didn’t know to ask for more time, and didn’t even know they could. With a home funeral, you get the time you need. People who participate in a home funeral feel like they did everything they could in the most loving way. They have no regrets. They always say, “now that I’ve done it this way, I can’t imagine doing it any other way.”

Final Passages website

Note: Home funerals are legal in most states (U.S.). For specific information about your state, see Lisa Carlson’s book, Caring For the Dead, Your Final Act of Love. So far, the home funeral movement is very small. If you’re interested in finding someone to assist you with such a funeral, the only places I currently know of are Final Passages in Sebastopol, California, (contact Lyons) and Crossings in Silver Springs, Maryland. Another possible place to check is with the Funeral Consumers Alliance affiliate in your area. These organizations help members receive low cost funerals, but are not involved in planning and carrying out services.

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Copyright 2004 ChrisTina Leimer.